95 pounds.....

nope..not how much I've lost, but how much i've gained in the last 14 years! To think that 14 years ago I thought I was OVERWEIGHT! Yesterday I took Alyssa to GS camp and I was only there for about 1 1/2 hours checking her in and getting her settled in her cabin, but it was soooo hot and I thought I was going to die when I left. I came home knowing I have got to get back into shape! So today I made a real effort to pay attention to what I was eating and record the calories and try to get back on the diet I did a few years ago with the dietician. I happend to be flipping channels this afternoon and came across Opra and she was doing a show on total makeovers and weightloss. She made a comment that stuck with me... you have to DECIDE to lose the weight and make the changes, you can't just try. So I'm not sure how determined I really am just yet....I did OK on my calories today, and pretty good at avoiding most of the bads, but I am really hungry now...... I was thinking though about what I need to do for excercise again and everything I came up with I also came up with excuses... :-( I think I might be getting a little depressed or just so over stressed. I barely have any energy to do much other than chase Kyleigh around and constantly keep this house clean for the realtor to be able to come show the house any time. I think I starting to ramble.....

I think I'm really missing Eric and I REALLY miss Alyssa. After I left her at camp I came home with Kyleigh to cool off. I really woried if she was overheating yet, but I did remember I saw them going to the swimming pool just as I was leaving, so she was probably having a blast. Last night I cleaned out my van, vacuuming and shampooing the carpets....the girls have eaten in the van so much lately and have made the BIGGEST mess..not to mention the number of times Alyssa has spilled something...ugh.... then after Ky went to bed I cleaned the dining room chairs (yeah..don't have white fabric with kids! lol)...then finally I went and sat in the whirlpool tub (that I think I've now used MAYBE 4 times in the 3 1/2 years I've lived her) and read my book for about a half hour and then gave myself a pedicure and manicure. Then as I was painting my toes, I felt so guilty that I was pampering myself and Alyssa was probably sweating her little bottom off and maybe even scared on her first night away from home (she's stayed many times with family, but never anywhere else overnight) in a cabin! So I promised myself that when she comes home I'm letting her take a nice bath in the whirlpool and then I'll paint her toes and fingers too. She'll definitely need pampering after all the roughing it! It is soooo hard to not know how's she's doing and not be able to talk to her. I've never not been able to talk to her or the family she's with to know how she did for the day. I know she's probably have the time of her life, but I still worry just in case... :-( My baby!!!!

Well, I think I may turn in really early tonight, read my book some more and try to think more positively. Sorry about the down beat postings lately...I'll try to make up tomorrow!!!!